monkey trivia

I learned today from a tech who works with primates in a research lab that certain monkeys produce grey semen that dries into a solid mass minutes after it is ejaculated. He said that this is an adaptation that improves the odds of a male passing his seed along to a female, who may be mating with several different males on a given day, by blocking the path to the fallopian tubes for subsequent ejaculate ("closing the door," as it were). This tech said he knows this first hand because monkeys enjoy masturbating and he often finds little grey blobs on the floors of their cages.

I remember heading gleefully

down the slippery slope of labor intensive gardening. The second year at the farm I decided I was going to start seeds indoors in February so I could get my tomatoes, peppers, etc. producing early. So I set flats up in our attic on big sheets of plywood propped up by saw horses (god I miss those saw horses!), beneath fluorescent lights I strung from the ceiling so that they hung 18 inches above the "potting soil," which was actually loam from our compost pile that I had taken to work and sterilized by autoclaving (pretty extreme DIY, huh?) The highlight of my day for a while was coming home from work to check on the progress of my little seedlings and giving them a gentle misting. I even went so far as to brush them with my hand a couple times a day once they started reaching up toward the light because I had read somewhere that giving seedlings physical stimuli resulted in more robust growth. In the end we
had so many little tomato plants that we ran out of people to give them away to.

more giant punkins!

At a recent Pumpkin festival they were selling seeds to grow giant pumpkins. The seeds cost $2.00 a piece. They come in a tiny plastic bag, with a pedigree (my seed came from a 712 lb pumpkin belonging to one Aaron Wray.) I thought the price of one seed was bad, until I read the instructions that came with it, which include requirements for extensive soil additives, peat moss, plant fertilizers with non-standard N-P-K ratios, a warming tray, a mini greenhouse, and finally a 6' by 6' shelter with sloped roof for your pumpkin. Yes, you have to build a little house for your pumpkin. Once the pumpkins start to develop, you're supposed to pick the best looking one, and prune the rest, pinning all your hopes on that guy. However, giant pumpkins frequently explode, so all your hard work may be for naught. What are the physics behind exploding giant pumpkins? Internal fermentaion? I don't think it's a build up of gases. A potential champion pumpkin in log phase can put on 15 -30 lbs a day, and I guess if they grow unevenly, turgor forces build up in their guts and any thin or weak wall sections may be compromised. Good pumpkin quote from a giant pumpkin ace: "If you're not splitting them, you're not trying hard enough. You're not pushing them enough. If you're not blowing some up, you're not doing it right. They'll never be big."
Yes, but are exquisitely nurtured hothouse pumpkins are more likely to warrant a visit from the Great Pumpkin? Has anyone ever been injured in an exploding pumpkin mishap?

re: the multi-person blog

the blog question: is it better to demand give-and-take, withholding blog until someone else gives it up, not unlike a resentful lover? or should one blog unconditionally, not caring whether the act is returned in kind, simply as a declaration of one's truth? should one make it a a habit, diary-like, to blog once a day out of a sense of
discpline? or should one blog only when one has something significant to relate?

think of them as giant ovaries

Giant veggies are big everywhere that gardening is big. One often forgets that gardening ranks as the #1 hobby worldwide when such polls are taken-- I think because gardening enthusiasts are generally quiet and introspective and rarely go on shooting rampages. Growing monstrous vegetables is kinda the horticulturist's version of getting wild and crazy. Mainly, though, giant veggies are hideous symbols of the triumph of petrochemical fertilizers. One day our descendents will look back and think us mad for such arrogant waste. But for now, golly gee, aren't those gargantuan pumpkins freakish?

please just

'splain me this: my smoke detector started making that intermittent chirp that is supposed to let you know that your battery needs to be changed. So I get up on a chair and take it off it's mount (no, it's not one of those kind that are wired into the house circuit). I look into the little compartment where you hook in the 9-volt battery (is there anything other than smoke detectors these days that uses 9-volt batteries?) and I see that there is no battery! I mean, the black padded connector with the silver caps that snap on to the two poles of the battery is just dangling there. I mean, I don't care if it's illegal. There are smoke detectors in the building hallways that are wired in to the building power that are plenty loud (trust me, I set one off). To me, smoke detectors are like the body politic mandating that you keep radioisotopes in your home against your will. They are basically one more instance of society coddling smokers, because, let's face it, irresponsible smoking causes more fires than anything else (and those incompetent electricians that are responsible for the faulty wiring that sets off some building fires? Most of 'em are smokers, too, I'd wager). So fuck, I'll just put the damn thing in a drawer until I move. But just tell me where it's getting the power to make these noises? Does it mean radioactive dust is escaping into my home? Just curious.

running with the wolves

i feed myself
i pay the rent
i keep the peace
i'm like the treaty of ghent
and when the alien anthropologist asked me
what the greatest invenions of mankind were
i answered without hesitation
the iPod and the mountain bike
there's a neolithic drama
going on every day in your girly brain
the gatherers are hunting now
and the hunters are insane
just as Lawrence of Arabia was a faggy moralist
who loved nothing more than to blow away turks
i read between the lines of the new age babbleogue:
to reinvent one's life means to run and fuck.

Buffyverse

I watched an entire episode of "Buffy" once. It was really quite good. Like "Xena," it doesn't take itself too seriously. But it seemed like one of those shows that you had to latch on to early in the game. Like "X-Files." I do know that "Buffy" has a complex mythology behind it, just like "X Files," I wouldn't even know how to start explaining that mess. I think that's part of what's appealing about reality shows like "Survivor--" no complex story line or cast of characters to keep track of, you can jump on (or off) at any time. If you go on to Wikipedia and look up "Buffy," you get a long article that explains (or at least tries to) the whole Buffy universe, or "Buffyverse." The concept of parallel universes that contain the underpinnings of reality that support a given fictional storyline is a concept long utilized in the comic book world, originally necessitated to reconcile contradictions in past stories of individual characters (e.g., the "Earth Prime," "Earth Two," etc. of DC Comics. This embarrassing trope eventually led to the concept of "cannon" in a fictional universe, where there is a rigid back story and ground rules to which all stories taking place in that universe must adhere. "Star Wars" is a good example, with a massive 30 year old cannon that has kept its spin-offs and merchandising narratively consistent throughout.

lovely benzene ring

I'm using copious amounts of Shoe Goo (original formula!) to reinforce my rapidy disintegrating though much beloved platform tie-dyed pseudo-converse all-stars. Even though I have the window open, the toluene fumes are filling my apartment with a delightful scent.

I'm not much for incense, but if they could invent a toluene-like scent that wasn't toxic to your liver, that would be huff-worthy!

what's wrong with me?

ok, so even this online friend I had recently gotten together with has stopped communicating with me. My e-mails were so fun and sensitive. I have her cell phone number, I could call her, but she's the sensitive, has-to-feel-comfortable-with-everything one. I give people as much space as they want. I just want to know this: do I scare or turn people off because I come off as too weird and dangerous and unstable, or because I seem too pure and honest and smart? Do I look too weird? Is it an aura thing? What's the deal?

Man, it's still fucking 3rd grade and I'm wondering why nobody wants to be my friend. I don't want to assault, belittle, or have sex with them. I just want to hang out and connect in a real way like humans are supposed to do. I'M SORRY WORLD THAT I'M SUCH A FUCKING MUTANT!

There! That felt better! Now I can go back to being the rock-solid person I normally am! (sarcasm alert)

in lieu of tubers

wow, stovetop stuffing instead of potatoes!
A gangrenous forearm instead of the rabies!
momma was too busy to make her own
pappa got mad and it ended with a firearm discharge
ten years later I'm sharing it in Readers Write.

stovetop stuffing tonight
'cause I'm running from Jean Valjean
I got some tupperware full of it in my knapsack
we'll sneak it into the Metreon.

instead of poptatoes, of course
we never have potatoes any more
Mr. Quayle don't allow 'em in this house
but they serve organic hand cuts at Mr. Gore's

stovetop tomorrow and forever, amen
I like to deliberately cut my hand
mix in my blood when I smoosh it with the water
when no one's watching; I don't think they'd understand

the Lord knows how much of myself I give to my famly
only he appreciates my sacrifice when I do this
just as He was so proud of his son at the last supper
these greasy bread crumbs are my eucharist.

more movie mumblings

Lawrence of Arabia-- well, it was one of the first movies filmed in CINEMASCOPE, it was Peter O'Toole's signature role, it was a huge cecil B Demille -esque production (they hired the Moroccan Army to play the Bedouin "army"), and the locations for the film (the Sahara Desrt) are as much a part of why it's spectacular as the drama. It's basically a biopic of T E Lawrence, British scholar turned soldier, who is considered one of the great adventurers of the 20th centuy. I remember reading Colin Wilson's book "The Outsiders" (you might remember him as the one who delighted millions with "The Mid Parasites") back in 1980 in which T E Lawrence figured prominently as a symbol of the lone genius defying convention to achieve greatness. "Lawrence" was made in 1962 and seems dated in many ways (such as Alec Guiness in dark makeup playing King Faisal) but was really an interesting story. My friend Marion says that Lawrence of Arabian is a good overview of the historic roots of the present day conflict in the mideast, and in a sense I agree.

the appeal of stovetop stuffing

was being able to say "stovetop stuffing... instead of potatoes?!!" in infinite variations while you were at the dinner table.

a full 1% of movies I see have LGBT themes

went to see a movie yesterday, it "came out" a coupla years ago, an Italian movie called "His Secret Life." Interesting note: the movie has subtitles, and at one point in the movie, two of the characters are speaking Turkish, so the movie subtitles their conversation in Italian, which was then subtitled in English, so it was a case of double-layered subtitles. The plot of the movie had to do with a woman whose husband is killed (in quite a shocking sequence) when he's hit by a car. From clues she discovers that her husband had a lover for 7 years, but it turns out the lover is a guy. Eventually she gets over her shock and disgust and befriends the man and his "family" that shares thgis flat with him. There's the matronlyt Turkish lesbian, a guy with AIDS, a couple more gay guys, and a transsexual. They are such a fun, loving pseudofamily, how could you not fall in love with them? In the end she grows out of her conventional attitudes from knowing them and sets off to find a new life. It was a good flick.

why don't we do it in the road?

while walking home from work on Fillmore a little while ago, aproaching Hayes Street, I observed a guy crouched in the middle of the street, apparently drawing something with a felt tipped marker. He was actually drawing on the street itself, or rather, on one of the yellow "dots," about a foot in diameter that have been painted on various points of various streets around the city in the past year by the public works department or maybe MUNI. I have no idea what they signify or mark, but have often thought they were tempting targets for artistic "enhancement." Curious, I walked over to the guy and said "hey, what are you doing?" I think he was taken aback at first, maybe thinking I was going to hassle him. So I hastily added "y'know, I've always wanted to turn one of these things into a big happy face, they're so annoying..." he smiled sheepishly and said "well, I was just waiting for the bus, and decided to do some doodling." I couldn't tell what he was drawing, but I said "well, keep up the good work!" anyway. as I walked away he said "thanks, have a great night!"

we saw some moronic play at the rhino then

afterward we cruised lower and upper haight for a place to eat. problem was we weren't sure what we were hankerin' for, and most of the alterna-dives were closed. at some point it dawned on me that haight street was like one long counterculture strip mall. finally we settled on a place called "all you knead" (yes, the names of all the restaurants are either arcane or plays on words), which one travel guide described as "the most authentically hippie of the eateries in haight-ashbury." I had veggie quesadilla and Win had a slice of pecan pie. he spent much of the meal elaborating on how the sconces in the restaurant resembled the ones in his mom's house.

That was part of a larger story that I was going to relate until I realized it was pointless.

stove top stuffing?

Instead of potatoes? way back in the 80 (which is the hipster way of saying "the 80's"), Caroline and I would occasionally have stove top stuffing (just add hot water, like making instant oatmeal!) as a main course. Those were simpler, lower roughage, times...

who the hell is God anyway?

i wear a construction/lumberjack in church;
and i don't really like it, but the effect seems to work...

- men w/o hats

more glamour science

global warming
black holes
ancestors of Homo sapiens
quantum physics
volcanoes
the physics of building implosions
carnivorous plants
images of sperm burrowing into eggs
separating siamese twins
spiders
and of course, dinosaurs with feathers