Youth of America

We get emailed sex questions at San Francisco Sex Information as well as phone calls. I usually answer a couple on my shift each Friday.

Here's a sample from last week:

Hi,

I'm a young female. I only really discovered masturbation when I was 16. However, I don't do it that often. I'm concerned about the kinds of things that turn me on and make me orgasm when I do. This has been bothering me for a long time and I hope you can shed some light on this for me.
First of all, I can't just watch pornography of two people going at it and just enjoy the fact that they're going at it. I have to add some perverted circumstance to it in my head. Most of these little scenarios have to do with manipulation or non-consensual elements. I like to imagine that one of the people participating, usually female, is being used against her will and that the person using her regards her as nothing more than a "screwtoy" or a "dumb whore." I hate these thoughts. I hate that this is what turns me on and it's like I'm a completely different person once I'm done. To know me and talk to me you would think that there were definite shades of feminism in my personality. When not turned on, the thoughts of someone sexually controlling another person are horrible to me. I completely hate men with misogynistic and shallow sexual ideas.
Do other women like this sort of thing too? Does getting off on these hateful things make me a bad person? Why would I hate this kind of thing normally, but find it exciting when I am feeling turned on?
Even if this isn't necessarily a horrible thing, it's not sexually healthy. My ideas of stimulating sex are obviously flawed. How can I turn myself away from sexual fantasies were people are being tortured and mistreated?
Please give me some comforting words, I'm feeling horrible about myself.


my reply:

Hi, thanks for the email!

So you have a little kink in your sexuality that's un-politically correct-- it's not the end of the world! At least you're not male, which would make your turn-on not only fairly common, but a really bad stereotype. Although we can't say just how common it is for women to have fantasies of this type-- let's call them "degrading sex" fantasies-- we've certainly heard from other women who have similar feelings.

Remember, feelings are not "good" or "bad," they just are. There's scant little one can do to influence what turns one on. The programming of our libidos occurs mostly when we're young and mostly on an unconscious level. So it's not your fault, if "you" is the rational, awake, self-aware, analytical part of your consciousness. Besides, its your imagination, the one place where society's mores and standards have no business mucking things up. We would be telling you this even if you had written that you were a male who had fantasies about sex with children; as long as it's just in your head, it's nobody else's business.

But if you were a male with a pedophile kink, we would also pity you, because there is no legal, let alone socially acceptable, means for bringing those feelings out of your head. Because in that scenario, consent is not possible, no way, no how.

For a woman who gets turned on by images of forced sex, there are lots of outlets for your fantasy, if that's where you want to go with it. As you mentioned watching porn, we're sure you realize how common the themes of sexual degradation, bondage, and even rape are in some of it. Also, if you wanted to act out your fantasies with like-minded consenting adults, and you live in a large city, I'm sure there is a BDSM (bondage/discipline/sadism/masochism) community nearby that you could get involved in. But in our experience, most women who have fantasies about forced sex (which can run the gamut from being the victim, the victimizer, or an observer) are content to keep it at the fantasy level.

Remember, every sadist needs a masochist, and vice-versa. But even in the BDSM world it's all about consent; all the participants are willing participants. There is something strangely seductive about playing with power inequities in a sexual context. If we were forced to generalize about such things, we would say that most people in the right situation and the right state of mind can get a little turned on by being totally helpless or having total domination or maybe even both. Do you remember ever wrestling with someone, a friend or a lover, just playing of course, and being totally pinned down? Wasn't it a little exciting knowing you couldn't escape? Or how about being the one on top? A different feeling, but also tinged with pleasure. You may be the most placid, agreeable, fair-minded person to walk the earth, but you're still human, and your sexuality can have twists and turns that fly in the face of your politically indoctrinated consciousness. Don't think too much about it or it will drive you nuts. Personal perversions are best regarded like birthmarks or being double-jointed: cherished little artifacts of your uniqueness, not things to smother with guilt and shame.