thinking about my past

yes, I wanted to start transitioning when I ws 19, but my ex said if I did, it was the end of our relationship. It's not that our relationship was more important than abstract notions like my "being true to myself" or whatever. It was that I was so bummed about how my body turned out that I thought that I would never be able to pull it off (c.f. "happiness=passing"). Some days I still don't think I can pull it off. So we stayed together a decade longer than we should have not because I was so devoted or tragically conflicted but because I was chickenshit.

I have a hard time forgiving myself for that.